


Not More Fucking Elves

by perclexed



Series: Happy Highways Where I Went [1]
Category: Lewis (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Crossover, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Darcyland, F/M, Fandoms Collide, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-12
Updated: 2015-03-12
Packaged: 2018-03-17 11:25:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3527540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perclexed/pseuds/perclexed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Nine Realms may converge for the first time in five thousand years, but it’s not the only important thing happening that day in Greenwich.  </p>
<p>Robbie Lewis thinks this is probably not what Tolkien had in mind.  But it bloody well might be.</p>
<p>See end for additional notes, warnings, and a link to a <i>Lewis</i> overview if you are not familiar with the fandom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not More Fucking Elves

Robbie thinks it’s been a great day up until now. An easy drive down to the greater London area, with nearly miraculous traffic and not a single battle with his sergeant over the radio station. Trading quips with Doctor Hobson, who has been cracking wise in the back seat while reviewing the sheet music for Haydn’s _The Creation_. She’s performed the piece before and is doing a friend a favour by filling in as an emergency replacement for a clarinetist who slipped in the bath two days ago and broke two fingers on her left hand.

Robbie and Hathaway have terribly full social diaries the next two days and made the mistake of mentioning that within Laura’s hearing. They weren’t even at the bottom of the duty rota. They were well and truly off duty for three entire days. 

She, accurately, figured that meant they had their usual full diary of absolutely nothing going on and as it was a rare weekend when they weren’t on call, gently but firmly bullied them into attending the concert. And since they were going to be driving down anyway, well, surely they had room in their car for a petite person such as herself. Getting there a few hours early as required by the orchestra members just meant that they had that much more time to explore the Royal Naval College before the performance.

“I can’t believe I’m dressed in one of my nicer suits, on my day off, and still stuck in a car with you lot.” James takes the opportunity to air his grievances, knowing he's a few minutes away from getting to stretch his legs and feed his nicotine addiction. 

“Just think of it as being press-ganged like the lads of old. There’s rum or the lash in it for you.” Laura packs away her papers as they get closer to their destination, and settles in to take the piss out of James while she has a captive audience.

“What, no sodomy?” Hathaway asks, sotto voce.

“It’s left here, Robbie.” She reaches forward to give James’ shoulder a patronizing pat. “Perhaps if you’re an especially good boy you can visit the captain’s poop deck later.”

Robbie nearly misses the turn in surprise. He does catch James’ smirk out of the corner of one eye as he hastily brakes and makes the turn with only the smallest of screeches from the tyres. A screech drowned out by the mad cackle of delight from their backseat driver and second mate, naturally.

“You two are going to be the death of us all.” Robbie shakes his head but can’t help smiling at their antics.

“Well. You can take Hathaway down a peg on your own time. For now, follow that sign and let’s park.” Laura grins at him in the rear view mirror, completely unrepentant.

*****

James and Robbie take a moment to appreciate the view as Laura confidently strides away from them and enters the King Charles Court where the concert will be held later tonight.

“I could use a coffee, sir. Or a pint. Fancy a visit to the Old Brewery?”

“Sounds great. I could use a bit of something.”

“If we have some time after, I’d really like to stop in at the Chapel.”

Robbie smiles. “Of course you would. Well, buy me a pint and we’ll see how it goes.”

It goes quite well. James is, unsurprisingly, full of information about the world heritage site. Robbie mentions he has been here before, thank you, since his both his father and grandfather served in the Navy. James exaggerates his surprise that Robbie’s actually volunteering something personal, which earns him a thump on the arm as they pay the bill and stroll towards the Chapel.

“Think Laura would like the chocolate beer sorbet they have listed on the menu?” 

Robbie can’t help but make a face. “Well, she’s an adventurous lass. If they’re done early enough, maybe we can come back and you two can try it.”

James grins. “Surely they can provide a third spoon.”

“I’m sure they can. Doesn’t mean it’ll be used.”

They arrive at the photography point facing the Water Gate, between the Painted Hall and the Chapel. “Picture for Lyn?”

Robbie smiles. “Only if you’re in it and you show me how to text it to her.” James makes a face but agrees. They put their backs to the water and Robbie slings an arm around the lad’s back. James’ arms are longer, and he’s taking a series of pictures with an eye to sending the best one when they hear the screams begin.

They turn as one, and both take a moment to simply stare at the…thing…that’s appearing out of thin air just on the other side of the Water Gate. It’s enormous, moving swiftly, and radiating menace. “What. The hell. Is that?” Robbie gasps. Neither stands there long enough to find out. They both turn and sprint towards the Chapel as the closest cover, shouting at other visitors who are frozen in disbelief, horror, fascination, or some combination of all three. 

After the Battle of New York, all police forces in the United Kingdom received additional training and protocols based on the lessons learned by the NYPD. They’d all hoped that they would never have to use it, but it looks like their luck has run out. That training is put to the test as they work together to clear people from the immediate area. 

“We should get those people away from the windows. Is there better shelter nearby?” Robbie turns to James, trusting that his sergeant has the layout of the grounds committed to memory.

“The Undercroft.” James points, and they go to work. 

Time does strange things in the midst of a crisis, and while it feels like it’s taken an eternity to get everyone to safety, Robbie knows that it’s probably only been a couple of minutes at most. A few of their fellow tourists prove to be quite helpful. Once he and James identify themselves as police officers, they’re approached by a fit young man who says he and his friend has military experience. Robbie asks them to watch the exits, either for threats or for more people who need help.

A touch on his arm, and he turns to find a woman standing there. “I’m a nurse. Shall I try to find some supplies and see what I can do about injuries?” Robbie nods, relieved, and she quickly and efficiently sets up a triage station. A clear headed teenager finds a first aid kit from somewhere and Robbie can hear soothing murmurs as the nurse and her new assistant work their way down a line of injured people. From what he can hear it sounds like most wounds are a result of flying glass hitting those standing at the windows, taking pictures to share on social media when the glass was blown in. There are a few impact injuries from falling or flying stonework, and a couple of concussion wave issues that sound serious, but stable.

Robbie spares a moment’s thought for Laura and prays that she is safe, sound, and unharmed. He’s glad James is with him. The man is a solid presence right by his side as they head back up to ground level. They both duck in the wake of a sinister sounding boom, but take the risk of peeking through the window and gasp at the sight of a blood-red mist swiftly evaporating into nothing and the terrifying sight and sounds of the enormous black spike beginning to crumble and fall in their direction.

James croaks out something in Latin that’s undoubtedly a prayer, and Robbie can feel his hand caught and held tight. They stand together and watch as certain death approaches. “It’s been an honour, James.”

“Likewise, sir.”

They both stare disbelievingly as a slight woman races towards someone lying on the green. They’re both moving before they can think better of it, though if either were asked later Robbie’s not sure if they were racing to help move the body or to get the woman out of the way. He squeezes through a hole in the shattered stone, while James just vaults through a window that no longer has any glass in it. The shriek of tortured metal nearly deafens them, and Robbie knows they won’t be in time to help. 

And then the ship just…disappears. As quickly and quietly as it came. They both skid to a halt and gape at the clear space left behind. 

“Everybody okay?” An older man holding some sort of device calls to the small group. 

Robbie hopes James won’t make too much fun of him later when he legs go out from under him in sheer relief and he slides to his knees, panting. He immediately feels better when James follows him down and they stare at one another, wide-eyed.

*****

“Right. Have YOU dealt with an off-world incursion by a hostile alien force before?”

“I beg your pardon?” No one does falsely polite affront the way James can.

“Well I have, which means I’ve got more experience than you, so SHUT THE HELL UP and stop trying to get me out of the way already you sanctimonious twat!”

Later Robbie would be highly amused at how well the petite brunette that was a part of the group standing on the lawn at the end stood toe-to-toe with his Sergeant and shouted right in his face. Well, up into his face. Even in high heels she’d fall short of actually being able to look him in the eye. Unless she was standing on a box. Or maybe two. But right now he has to intervene before James actually reaches out and throttles the girl.

“Look, Ms…?”

“Lewis. Darcy Lewis. Astrophysics intern and cat herder extraordinaire, BFF of the Thunder God, veteran of…something I can’t talk about because I signed the most ridiculous stack of papers. Hi. You two are? Aside from kinda handy in a crisis and a pain in my ass?”

“Did you say Lewis?” Hathaway looks as taken aback as Robbie feels. What are the odds?

“Yeah? Did you hit your head? Is that why you’re acting like such an asshole? Here, lean down and let me take a look.” Yanking on his tie with one hand, she reaches up and, with the other hand cupping the back of his neck, pulls Hathaway’s head down to check for injuries. Fingers smudged with soot and worse comb through the short blond hair while James flails at the unexpected intrusion into his personal space. Or maybe he’s flailing as his face has disappeared into the voluminous scarf draped around the young woman’s neck. Well, the lad knows the international sign for “can’t breathe” and how to make use of it if he really needs help.

Robbie has to bite his lip at the indignant scowl he just knows is gracing that long face, and the muffled, flustered protests erupting from the man. “Methinks he doth protest too much,” Robbie thinks and then laughs aloud at the irony of quoting Shakespeare, if only in his own head, at his sergeant’s predicament. He’s well aware that they’re all probably suffering from shock, and he’s feeling slightly delirious with relief. Everything is just a little bit funnier than it should be.

“No, looks okay. Nothing’s bleeding, no bumps, pupils look equal and reactive. Are you just naturally this much of a dick?”

“DARCY!” The shout echoes across the green, and the young lady turns her head towards the sound. She lets go of a thoroughly rumpled Hathaway, who straightens to his full height, adjusting his tie and smoothing the front of his jacket the way a bird settles ruffled feathers.

“Ah, well, someone else will have to extract that stick you’ve got up your butt. I wish them luck.” Before James can rally, she suddenly openes her mouth again. “JANE!” Both men wince at the volume. You wouldn’t think someone that small could produce that many decibels. Robbie does his best not to notice Hathaway noticing the way her chest moves, even under all those layers, as she waves frantically at another petite brunette rapidly moving in their direction with the most enormous blond man he’s ever seen.

“Lady Darcy! We have triumphed this day!” 

What? Now that they are closer, Robbie can see that the man is covered in blood. Long blond hair matted with sweat, blood, and things Robbie doesn’t want to think about. Impressive biceps showcased by sleeveless…armour? Actual armour? And is that a CAPE?! The woman with him looks utterly exhausted and is carrying some sort of electronic device. Robbie can feel Hathaway tense at his side.

“Hey Thor. Thanks for, you know, saving Midgard again. Those guys weren’t messing around, were they? I’d give Mew-Mew a smooch too, but I know where it’s been today.” She indicates the enormous, yes, actual _war hammer_ held in one hefty hand. “Maybe after a clean up? Are you both all right?” She crosses to Jane worriedly. “Are you okay? You disappeared and I was really worried that you ended up in one of the realms that was really not hospitable to humanity.”

Robbie hears a faint, dazed “Mew-Mew?” from Hathaway, but he’s stuck on something else. What? One of the realms?! He should probably come up with a different question to ask, but this is all moving a bit too fast for him. Robbie shakes his head as Ms Lewis continues to fuss over the even more slight Jane. Turning his head, he meets piercing blue eyes that are examining him and his companion with curiosity. 

“Forgive them. They are as sisters, and they have both been in mortal danger this day. It may take some time for them to reassure one another of their well being. I take it you have been assisting Darcy?”

“She had just introduced herself, but I think we’re lacking some details.”

“It is a long tale that may take some time to tell.”

“…Fair enough. Detective Inspector Robbie Lewis,” he pointed to himself, and then Hathaway in turn. “My partner, Detective Sergeant Hathaway.”

“Ah. You are a part of the…law enforcement?” the words are said haltingly, as if they are unfamiliar, “On this world?”

This world? “Yes, we’re a part of the Oxfordshire Police force. We were here for a concert, but stayed to help civilians during the attack.”

“Yeah, and can you believe they thought I was a run of the mill civilian? As IF.” Ms Lewis appears unable or unwilling to forgive the insult. She points at Hathaway. “So is tall, blond, and scowly there doing some sort of work exchange with the police while he’s doing an advanced degree at Oxford?”

Hathaway immediately adopts what Robbie refers to, only in his own head mind, as his ‘wet cat face’. It’s a very specific, very distinct sort of affronted expression that only graces his face when someone thinks he went to Oxford.

“Cambridge then,” she says. “Only someone who went to Cambridge would have that look on their face if asked about Oxford.”

Robbie coughs to cover his laugh. “No, we’re actual, proper police officers, though you are correct that my Sergeant is an Oxbridge graduate. I’m sure you can understand why we may not have known at first glance that you were involved in…whatever this was. We were simply trying to make sure you were safe, Ms Lewis.”

His explanation and a show of their warrant cards is greeted with a sniff of disdain from Darcy, but provokes an appreciative smile from the man and the petite brunette at his side. “Then you have my thanks. My little lightning sister is often able to hold her own in battle, but the Dark Elves are perhaps beyond her experience. Forgive me, my mother would be appalled at my manners.” A flicker of grief in blue eyes, but an arm is held out in welcome. “I am Crown Prince Thor, of Asgard.”

Hathaway, the ‘walking wikipedia’ pipes up. “Thor the Norse god of thunder, lightning, healing, and fertility? Name given to the day of the week we now call Thursday? Carries a war hammer called Mjolnir, and appears extensively in the Poetic Edda from the 13th Century. Son of Odin and Frigga, brother of Loki, last seen on Earth during the Battle of New York in the States. That Thor?”

Of course he is. Even Robbie knows about the Avengers, and he mentally sighs at the absurd turn his life has taken as he reaches out to return the warrior’s arm clasp. James does the same a moment later.

“My lovely companion,” here Thor smiles down at the diminutive woman, “Is Jane Foster. Our friend, Erik Selvig,” here he indicates the older man wearing shorts and a Scandinavian style sweater. “I am afraid I do not know this young man.”

They turn as one to the suddenly wide-eyed young man in question. “I’m Ian. Ian Boothby.”

“He’s my intern,” Darcy says casually. Jane rolls her eyes and Darcy makes energetic hand gestures and Robbie has to smile as they hold entire conversation in silence. The two women have obviously known each other for some time.

“You are a scholar? And a warrior?” Thor eyes James with interest.

“Well, not really a warrior.” Robbie’s amused at Hathaway’s blush and flustered stammering. “We investigate crimes. We’re not usually…charging into battle.”

“Ah. You remind me a bit of my brother. Using his wits and his cleverness to defeat his foes rather than force. We shall talk further, but I must see to Jane.” Grief settles heavily upon the noble features before he nods and turns away to check on Doctor Foster.

*****

It’s at least an hour and a lot of explanations later before they’ve all reassured the powers that be that the site is as secure as it’s likely to get. Robbie’s fairly sure his and Hathaway’s warrant cards go a long way towards assuring the emergency response teams that the situation is under control. After all necessary contact details are given, they’re released.

“Robbie! James!” A slight blond head bobs and weaves around the broken columns and rushes to meet them. “Oh thank god.” Robbie staggers a bit as Laura launches herself at him and gets her arms around his neck in a death grip. “I’ve been so worried.” She releases him abruptly only to capture James in the same sort of clinch. After a moment, she releases him and steps back. “You’re both all right? No injuries? No bleeding? Puncture or shrapnel wounds?”

Before she can get rolling through the list of possible bodily harm they could have suffered this day, he interrupts. “We’re both fine, Laura. A couple of bruises each, but nothing worse. I promise.” James nods in agreement and they both stand meekly as she gives them a once over anyway. 

“Probably a touch of shock but who doesn’t have that right now.” She turns and eyes the others. “You all, on the other hand, look a bit worse for the wear.” She’s reaching to pull Thor’s head down to take a closer look at the cut on his forehead when he captures her hand and squeezes it gently. 

“You are a healer.”

“I am a doctor, yes. I don’t usually practice on the living, but I can help.”

“My wounds are of no concern. Please turn your attentions to my mortal companions, as I fear they are in greater need of your services.”

Laura catches Robbie eye and mouths, “Mortal companions?” but her attention is immediately diverted as Foster’s knees buckle. Erik catches her before she can hit the ground, and they all kneel while Laura performs a quick examination. Some moments later, she’s extracting a thermal blanket from the emergency kit she’s liberated from who knows where, and is tucking it around Jane’s thin shoulders. “You have much more than a touch of shock. We need to get you somewhere warm where you can lie down and be monitored for a bit. Your pulse is far too rapid, and I’m a bit worried about your breathing.” 

“Okay big guy. I think Jane’s about to drop. Think you and Mew-Mew can get her home? I know you’ve probably got, well, ‘stuff’,” and Robbie can hear the air quotes, but smiles as she makes them with her fingers anyway, “to do to make sure the Nine Realms are secure, but I’d feel a lot better if I knew she was home.”

“It is as you say. Doctor, may I move her without causing her any further harm?”

“You may, but do it quickly.”

Thor nods, effortlessly pulls Jane close to his side, and turns to Darcy. “And you? I imagine SHIELD will be wanting to talk to you both.”

“Yeah, well, I’m going to pass on the whole Mew-Mew Express even if you can carry two at a time. And SHIELD can wait until I get some sleep. And a drink. Maybe I can find the car?” She trails off and looks around. “…Or not,” she says, pointing to a few twisted bits of metal buried under shattered stone. 

“Friend Lewis? Friend Hathaway? Do you have transport?”

“We do. We’ll get her home as soon as we can.”

“Excellent. I bid you farewell for now, then, while I take my Lady Jane back to her abode.” He turns to Darcy. “Please refrain from hitting them with the vehicle. I like them.”

Darcy, laughing, though with a worrying note of hysteria threading through her voice, takes two good steps back, dragging the detectives with her. Robbie starts to protest but ends up gawping instead as Thor begins to twirl the hammer in his hand by the strap. After a moment more, firmly holding onto Jane, he launches himself into the air behind the hammer. The shock blanket flutters to the ground like a large leaf falling from a tree.

“He can _fly_.” The childlike wonder in James’ voice has Robbie turning to observe his partner and smiling at what he can see there. “I mean, I saw the film from New York, but….” His voice trails off as he watches the pair head towards Jane’s flat.

“The guy does know how to make an exit, I’ll give him that.” Darcy smiles, scoops the silvery blanket off the ground, and wraps it around her own shoulders. She yawns, heavily.

Laura is not so much impressed as she is irritated. “If I’d known that was how he planned on moving her I never would have let him take her.”

“Look at it this way, doc. It might be a little bit chilly, but he’ll have her back home within five minutes or so. And believe me, as long as those two have been waiting to be reunited? He’s not going to take any chances with her health.” Darcy sways on her feet, and Robbie steps closer and wraps an arm around her back. She smiles up at him in thanks, then turns her attention to Erik. “What about you?”

“I think I see some people I recognize from the SHIELD science division. Someone needs to talk to them about the technical details of what happened here, and since Jane is unavailable I think I’d better go do what I can to help.”

“Cool. Hey, Ian?” She looks around but the dark haired young man is nowhere to be seen. 

“Ah, he said he was going to catch a ride home with a friend he saw at the security cordon,” Erik says absently, his mind apparently already leaping ahead to explanations for what has happened here today.

Darcy frowns at this. “Lame. I hope we haven’t scared him off. It’ll suck if I have to break in a new intern.”

*****

They manage to find Robbie’s car, miraculously undamaged, and bundle Darcy into the back seat. They've left Laura at the scene. There are still people who need medical treatment, but she’s bright eyed at the idea of being allowed to examine the remains of the obviously alien corpses littered about the grounds. James half-seriously asked her to make sure that she’s not going to be whisked away to an Area 51-type compound as a result. She patted his cheek, muttered something confusing about FitzSimmons in response, and bustled off towards the nearest medical station.

Robbie exchanges a shrug with James and tosses him the keys. It’ll be easier to talk with Darcy if he doesn’t have to concentrate on the road as well. James is better at multitasking, and they both know it. Robbie sits up front so their passenger doesn’t feel like she’s being crowded. Their warrant cards and the light on top get them through the cordon, and they have a motorbike escort to the nearest bridge across the Thames. Traffic is locked down across the greater London area, and they make good time towards the flat Erik had rented. James enters the address into the GPS so Darcy can speak freely without having to interrupt to give directions.

“God, I want like an entire pizza for myself. Or maybe two. Or maybe a pizza and like, General Tso’s and half a dozen egg rolls. I can’t remember the last time I ate. Is this weird? To be so hungry? I wasn’t this hungry after New Mexico.”

James glances at Robbie but replies readily enough. “The hunger is a symptom of shock. Your body is asking for resources to help it cope. Will you be all right until we get back to your place? Or should we stop and see if there’s something open?”

“There’s this totally amazeballs Indian place that will actually deliver to the sad, confused Americans. They’re on my speed dial and totally know me. Do you guys have a usual?” They mention a few favorite dishes, and she nods as she phones the order in. “Read it back to me? Great. Now quadruple it.” Incredulous noises are audible even though she’s not on speakerphone. “There’s a bunch of people. Believe me, I’m a little worried that it won’t be enough.” They sound doubtful but take her credit card number willingly enough and she adds an absolutely enormous tip to the total. “I’m in transit now, but if you guys get there and a guy answers the buzzer, say Darcy said for Donald Blake to sign for the food. He’ll know what it means. He’s a big blond dude. Looks like a bruiser but is sweet as pie.”

She hangs up and meets Robbie’s incredulous gaze. “What? You guys have never seen Thor eat. Believe me, we may be calling for that pizza and half a dozen others after we’ve finished the Indian appetizers. I think my credit card is about on its last legs. Maybe Thor can, like, hit up the Royal Mint and exchange some gold bullion or rubies for pound sterling and share the love.” She sighs, then slouches down in her seat and looks at Robbie. “So. What do you wanna know?”

“How about you start at the beginning? You mentioned something about New Mexico?”

“Yeah, New Mexico.” She takes a deep breath, opens her mouth, and promptly bursts into tears.

James exchanges a wide-eyed look with Robbie and slams on the brakes. As soon as the car screeches to a halt on the hard shoulder, Robbie leaps out of the car and wrenches the back door open. He slides in beside Darcy, and James smoothly resumes driving before the door is even closed, moving rather faster than he had been previously. Robbie reaches out and gathers the lass into his arms. She’s sobbing, great heaving choking sobs, and shaking like a leaf. “Oh my GOD, THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING!” she wails.

“Shhh, lass. It’s been a hell of a day.” She’s even smaller than Lyn was at this age. The force of her personality makes her impressive all out of proportion to her physical size. 

“A hell of a week for me, dude. Seriously. Erik went completely bananaballs there at Stonehenge.” Ah, now Robbie realizes why the man looked familiar. He’d seen him on the news. Darcy is still talking between sobs. “And then we started getting these weird readings, like the first time Thor came down two years ago. And when we went to investigate Jane _up and disappeared for five whole hours!_ ” This last bit is nearly a shriek, and she’s right next to his ear. He can’t help the wince, which just makes her cry harder. He’s honestly worried that she’s going to make herself sick. “And then she’s back with no warning, and weird shit’s happening around her, and then suddenly he’s there, looking all majestic and shit, in his stupid space armour and that stupid regal cape and that stupid gorgeous face and rockin’ bod and immediately _takes her away to Asgard_ and leaves me and the intern alone to deal with the police and that was awful.”

James passes two handkerchiefs and three packets of tissues back to them without comment and without removing his eyes from the road, but he’s looking a little ragged around the edges at this point. 

“And they’re gone for like FOREVER and I have to go bail Erik out of crazyjail, and he’d figured out that what’s happening only comes around once every FIVE THOUSAND YEARS.” She’s hiccupping and shaking even harder, with a death grip on the lapels of his suit. “And then suddenly they’re back and Jane’s in some Asgardian armour and Thor and Sif and the Warriors Three committed treason, and there was some awful battle with these Dark Elves that were supposed to be wiped out the last time this happened five thousand years ago. And Thor’s mom’s **dead** , and his fucking psycho, murderous brother bought the farm too, and Odin Allfather is really, really pissed but there’s no time to explain because this scary ass cosmic power that possessed Jane has been called home to the scary ass Dark Elf leader and they’re on the way to EARTH because of COURSE that’s where the party between the Nine Realms has to meet up. In _Greenwich_. The ‘once every five fucking thousand years’ Convergence of the Nine Realms happens in Greenwich.

“So we few, we merry few, we band of goddamn buggered, take these weird ass spikes that Erik made on a shoestring and a prayer and haul ass over to the Royal Naval whatever, and. Well. You saw most of the rest.”

She’s settling now, exhausted and steadily crying instead of sobbing. “So yeah. Our cast of heroes includes a man who’s essentially gone insane. Literally insane. Bananaballs Erik, who unleashed the fucking Tesseract in Midtown and punched a hole in the fabric of the universe, though it wasn’t his fault because motherfucking _Loki_ wanted to play King and God.” Robbie flinches at the sheer venom in her voice. But she’s not done. “One tiny, stubborn ass astrophysicist who is a crazy genius with more smarts than sense, who runs on coffee and pop tarts, but can reconfigure our ‘held together with duct tape and a prayer’ equipment on the fly and roll with the rewriting of physics in real time because she’s just that bad ass. And one super space alien god with a heart big enough to hold the Nine Realms together.

“And we literally, honest to Thor, saved the entire known universe from obliteration today.”

The hair on the back of Robbie’s neck stands up with this statement. Surely she can’t be serious.

He must have said that out loud, because she responds. “Oh, I am totally, one thousand million quadrillion percent serious. If Thor, bless him, hadn’t gotten those spikes into Malekith, none of us would be here right now. Whatever infected Jane was basically dark matter, and that asshole pulled it out of her, into himself, and was going to spread it all over our universe in an effort to bring back his own.”

The car swerves sharply before James can wrestle it back under control. He’s got a white knuckle grip on the steering wheel and is muttering very, very emphatically in Latin. Darcy lifts her head and peers at him with interest. “Hey, I didn’t know you could do that with a goat and a hairbrush and someone’s mom.”

James goes red to the roots of his hair and the tips of his ears. Robbie snorts, and the heavy moment is broken. Darcy gathers the shreds of her composure around her and reaches for one of the handkerchiefs. “Yeah, so, I gather your sarge there understands what the Dark Elves were up to and I’ll let him explain.”

They’re all quiet for a moment, contemplating her revelation.

“You forgot one,” James says, turning his head briefly.

“What?”

“You listed the cast of heroes but you forgot one.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You forgot to include yourself, Darcy.”

“Pssht. I just get the coffee.”

Here Robbie gives her a little shake to get her attention. “Weren’t you standing there with some of those spikes trying to get them into place when that ship thing landed? I remember seeing you.”

James chimes in. “I’m going to guess you were relaying information back to Jane and Erik during the attack.”

“Well yeah, but they wouldn’t have known about the effects of the spikes and how to adjust them otherwise. That’s just talking. You may have noticed I’m sort of good at that.”

“Didn’t we meet when you were running _towards_ Jane and Thor when the ship was about to fall on all of us?”

She looks up at him, frowning. “Well what the hell else are you supposed to do when your best friend and her boyfriend are about to get squished under tons of metal? I couldn’t just let them get creamed without trying to help!” She looks offended by the mere thought.

He can’t help it. She looks so confused, and is beginning to get a bit distressed again, so he tucks her head under his chin and speaks softly into her ear. “Oh, bonny lass. Most people, normal people, non-hero types of people? They run away from the danger. Not towards it.”

She stiffens, but then relaxes into his embrace. “Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’.” He’s amused and a little disturbed that she’s apparently never considered what her actions look like from the outside.

“Well, you two were running towards Jane and Thor too. Don’t think I didn’t notice that.”

James smirks. “Yeah, but we’re _professionals_. We get paid to do this kind of thing. Didn’t you read the caption? ‘Don’t try this at home.’”

She giggles and then yawns so widely her jaw cracks. “Yeah, well, I don’t get paid at all. Oh, remind me later to take all the red shirts out of my wardrobe, m’kay?”

The car slows and James turns off the blue light as they reach the neighborhood Erik’s flat is located in. No need to call any more attention to themselves than they already have. It’s been dark for a few hours, so hopefully no one noticed Thor landing nearby with Jane in his arms.

“Oh. Oh shit.” Darcy sits up straight and claps her hands over her mouth. “Uh, guys? I probably wasn’t supposed to tell you _any_ of that. SHIELD made me sign like a metric fuck ton of paperwork over New Mexico. Shit, shit, _shit_!”

She’s working herself up again, and he reaches for her hand. “Don’t worry about it for now. I’m fairly certain that whatever SHIELD is, they’ve got bigger things to worry about right now. Talk to Thor when you can, let him know that you explained most of it to us, and I’m sure he can smooth over any sort of extraterrestrial space politics bumps in the road. All right?”

“Okay. Oh, hey, I need your contact info. In the event that he can’t smooth over the bumps, I’m pretty sure he knows Tony Stark and can get you guys some super crazy high powered lawyers or solicitors or whatever they’re called here. Actually, I’m going to fucking find a number for Stark and call him right after I eat. He’ll know Thunderstruck is back by looking at the news feeds. He’s probably already trying to get a hold of someone Thor-adjacent. Just don’t sign anything for now, and don’t let the guys in the black sunglasses and SUVs take you anywhere.”

Robbie nods and fishes both his and James’ business cards out of his suit pocket. She takes them, takes a picture of them with her phone, fiddles with the keyboard for a moment, and then tucks the physical cards in her bra. “What? It’s a secure location!” He can hear his and James’ phones chime. Ah, she’s sent her information along to them already. Good.

James parks right outside the address she’s given him, and she sighs in relief. “Home, sweet, rented-and-not-really-mine home. Time for some food. And a shower. And if I’m really lucky one of those eye masks you put in the fridge so it’s all cold because I am not a pretty crier and my eyes hurt.”

Robbie smiles as he helps her out of the car. She’ll be OK, this one. James offers her his arm with a showy little move, and they escort her into the building and straight to her door. Luckily Thor is there to answer their knock, and they all shuffle inside with slow, tired steps. 

Darcy doesn’t even stop to take off her hat or her coat but simply reaches for the nearest carton and starts shoveling food into her mouth. “Oh em gee so hungry please tell me there’s naan to go with this.” Thor smiles and hands her a piece. They talk quietly, in deference to Jane, who has apparently passed out in the bedroom and is probably so tired she wouldn’t hear a bomb going off, but they keep it down. Just in case.

They don’t stay long. Actually, they stay just long enough to shovel some food into their gobs the way Darcy does, to take the edge off their own hunger. That lunch in the Old Brewery feels like a lifetime ago. She fixes up some containers that make it easier to eat in the car when they mention they really need to get back on the road to Oxford. Neither of them have any desire to try to find accommodation in London when their own beds aren’t that far away, and the flat here is already filled to overflowing with her merry band of heroes. At this time of night and with the civilian travel restriction in place, if they put the light back on they can probably make it to Oxford before they experience their own adrenaline crashes.

Each of them receive a rib-crushing hug from Darcy. James looks faintly alarmed she smoothly releases Robbie and embraces him without so much as a by your leave, but submits to her attentions without complaint. They also receive a manly, yet heartfelt warrior arm clasp from Thor as they say their goodbyes. Then they’re back out the door with fragrant plastic containers, bottles of water, and a mango lassi for each of them in hand. Robbie takes a moment to phone Laura, who confirms that she’ll be on site for a while yet and will either make her own way home when she’s through, or give them a ring and ask for a pick up.

“I’ll drive the first leg, and we can switch halfway? I know what you’re like when you’re hungry.” He knows James will be fine if he’s got the energy to be cheeky after all this.

“Shut it, you.” They exchange tired smiles over the roof of the car. What a hell of a day this has been. “There's just something about that girl." He trails off, thoughtful, then with a quick shake of his head eyes his partner. "Home, James. And, if I may be so bold as to borrow a line from the Inklings?”

“Tolkien’s Inklings, Sir?”

Until the end of days, Robbie will treasure the mental picture of Hathaway doubled over, laughing 'til he cries, when he says, "After today, I think I can truly understand when they said, 'Not more fucking elves!'"

**Author's Note:**

> This work would not have been possible without the incredible beta efforts of Tinzelda and rayphile, the excellent Britpick and beta work by Tehomet, and inspiration and cheerleading from the always effervescent Medie. Any remaining errors are mine alone.
> 
> Set during the climactic events of Thor: The Dark World, and probably just before Lewis series seven. 
> 
> Love the MCU but know nothing about _Lewis_? Check out the [marvelous overview on our dearly departed crack_van](http://crack-van.livejournal.com/5670067.html). Just want faces to go with the names? [This is Robbie Lewis](http://41.media.tumblr.com/984963d79f9ca059723fc1968b029fa8/tumblr_n7mffaZ7Fk1t2hpuno1_500.jpg). And [this is James Hathaway](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lykelh4Ojf1qitjv8o1_500.jpg). And [the two of them together](http://perclexed.tumblr.com/post/107454125848/pintpotjudas-geography-teacher-and-head-boy-are).
> 
> Title and concept for this entire series is taken from a few lines at the end of the Series Three Lewis episode “Allegory of Love”:
> 
> _Hathaway: You know what one of the Inklings is meant to have said when Tolkien started reading them 'Lord of the Rings'?_  
>  _Lewis: Oh, spare me, Sergeant; I've had enough of imaginary worlds._  
>  _Hathaway: You'll like it, sir; I promise._  
>  _Lewis: Go on then._  
>  _Hathaway: They said: "Not more flipping elves!" Except they didn't say 'flipping'._  
>  _Lewis: [laughs] I like it._
> 
> Between the extremely tenuous connect of Lewis as a common surname, and Hathaway’s comment about elves here, a series was born. Blame James. I certainly do. He and Darcy won't stop talking at me, so there's more to come in this series. Stay tuned!
> 
> The “band of buggered” line is taken, obviously, from the Buffy episode “The Gift”.


End file.
